Forgiveness As An Act of Wellbeing

Lori Chortkoff Hops, PhD, DCEP • October 6, 2023

 “Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom.”
Hannah Arendt

“To err is human; to forgive is divine” is an oft repeated phrase (Alexander Pope, 1711). Over the centuries, humans have responded with bitterness when someone or something goes against a justified sense of right and wrong. Hearts can harden under the weight of pain. We can fall prey to holding grudges. We may blame others, or even ourselves when we are hurting physically, emotionally, or spiritually. We may even want to take revenge. In the long run, we harm ourselves. Despite our weaker nature, it is probably wiser to forgive the object of our ire, as an act of personal and collective wellbeing.

 

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is the deliberate, conscious decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you. It also involves some form of positive thoughts, feelings, and motives toward the offending person(s). You may choose to forgive even if the object of your mercy is not deserving. Forgiveness may result in greater compassion and empathy toward others, and peace of mind. This is different from but can include acts of reconciliation, with continued interaction offered freely between the offender and offended. Embraced through the eons as a virtue by those practicing religion, philosophy and by society at large, forgiveness was not formally studied until recently.
 

Impact of forgiveness

Since the 1990’s, with rise of the positive psychology movement, mental health and social scientists have been formally examining the topic of forgiveness. The bulk of findings herald the benefits of forgiving, and the detriments of holding on to resentment and blame. Offering forgiveness reduces stress, anger, depression, and situational anxiety in the one harmed. It also leads to improved psychological functioning. Those who forgive experience better overall health, with lowered blood pressure and improved cardiovascular outcomes. They also report greater social support, relationship stability and have improved marital quality.


Alternatively, continued experiences of resentment, grief, guilt, and anger can sap us of our good health. Elevated blood pressure, damaging stress hormones, and negative thinking abound with the effects of lingering anger and pain. This adds layers of misery and suffering to the original offense. While experts recommend forgiveness, it is often hard to let go of the rage against injustice.
 

Why is forgiveness so hard to achieve?

In theory, it should be simple to search your heart and mind for permission to forgive. In practice, it is not simple, for we must face many objections along the path to eventual forgiveness.  Here are some common beliefs that keep people trapped in the resentment game.

  • Pushing the river. If you forgive too soon you may not allow a natural process of emotional and mental understanding to surface. We can learn from these experiences. It takes time to let the shock of the injustice sink in. Then we express understandable reactions, and accept the full impact of what happened. Don’t engage in a forgiveness bypass by avoiding the necessary but painful weight of the offenses.
  • Don’t let them win. Some people are afraid that the offender will get away with the offense if forgiveness is offered. It is vital to name and honor the impact of the injuries. Too often, we try to see the offense as justified, ignored, or condoned. The fear is the offender may avoid taking responsibility for harm done.
  • To forgive is to forget. Some of us falsely equate forgiveness with forgetting. If you forgive, you risk erasing the past. There would be no lasting mark or record to say an offense or harm occurred. We would deny recourse for a just response. It may mean that the injustice could be repeated, spreading more harm in the future. 
  • Self-sabotage. The hardest person to forgive may be yourself. There are many ways we can stay stuck in the shame and blame game. These include holding ourselves to unrealistic standards, guilt, or thinking you can control the past, outside events, other people or outcomes.

 

Forgive... for you

Experts in the field suggest adopting forgiveness for our own sake, as well as the sake of others. Azim Kahmisa is well versed in finding forgiveness - despite confronting the unimaginable when his son was murdered by a teen in a gang related shooting. He writes on his website, “Forgiveness towards the offending party can be one of the toughest challenges we mortals face.” Not only did Mr. Kahmisa forgive, but he built the Tariq Khamisa Foundation, named in memory for his son, to teach forgiveness to others, especially youth. He and others suggest several steps to forgiveness.


Steps to forgiveness for wellbeing

These suggestions can happen in any order, aside from the act of forgiving, which typically comes last. You may move between steps, with partial success, and can combine steps as it suits you. These suggestions may also inspire you to find your own formula for forgiveness.


  • Name the offense and express your reactions. It is vital to state, see, know, and feel the reality of the harm and its impact on you. Expressing your reactions deeply, in a safe space, allows you to let the shock wear off. You move the energy in your body and psyche so you are not locked into helplessness.
  • Reflect on reasons. It may be that there is no reasonable sense as to why events happened as they did. Still, you can learn lessons when finding patterns in the events, and your reactions to them. Perhaps this event is similar to other offenses in the past. It may relate to yourself, familiar others, or possibly to those you never met. You may find hidden gems buried under the pain and trauma of attack if you have enough perspective to be curious and open. Naming your "why" can free you to find solutions.
  • Rebuild Your Resources. Engage with your former or newly built strength, wisdom, truth, and support system, guiding you to brighter days. It may be fleeting at first to recognize helpful resources. However, keep searching for foundations that lead to increased clarity and peace. You may need to make significant changes in your life to establish safety. Resources will help you build what you need for the difficult next step.
  • Freely Choose to Forgive. Crossing the threshold into forgiveness can only happen with free will, full consent, and a willingness to let go of getting even. It means making a deliberate choice to feel, know and act in a new way, despite the wrongdoing of the other. It signals an end to dwelling and blaming. The war inside you ceases, in favor of personal peace. Some may benefit from taking counsel with spiritual, religious, or moral guides to move into this deeply challenging place of genuine forgiveness.

 

More tips on forgiveness as an act of wellbeing

Not all harmful interactions require forgiveness. In some cases, forgiving someone may lead to further harm. This can happen if, for instance, it places a person in a dangerous situation in the future. In that case, other alternatives may be more useful. These may include choosing to walk away from the source of harm, without forgiving them.


  • Do you have blocks to forgiveness? Read about how to remove them using energy psychology approaches in this blog.
  • Is it time to reach out for help moving toward forgiveness? You can find a list of energy practitioners on ACEP’s directory to assist you.
  • Are you ready to enhance forgiveness as an act for wellbeing? Consider growing your kindness quotient, by reading tips in this blog.
  • You can also check out this blog from the Mayo clinic on forgiveness.

 

Author

Lori Chortkoff Hops, PhD, DCEP is a licensed psychologist in Westlake Village, California, USA. She is certified in Comprehensive Energy Psychology and Logosynthesis. Lori is a past ACEP president and Reiki master. Learn more about Lori at www.drlorihops.com. Lori teaches online intuition classes and consultation. Check out her podcast Healing Tips from the Heart: Helpers, Healers and Guides.

By Lori Chortkoff Hops • October 14, 2026
December 1961 - September 2026 Personal reflections by Lori Chortkoff Hops, PhD, DCEP, Former ACEP President Shockingly, we lost a great one. Teacher extraordinaire. Multitalented healer. Introspective thinker. Generously hearted. Craig Weiner lived life with gusto, whether vibing with international creative expressions of formal and street art or cherishing exotic cuisine, deftly climbing rocky heights, or sunset kayaking with whales in the sound. Craig was ever curious for the next adventure, delighted with spontaneous encounters with new and familiar souls and animals, sounds and colors. Holding a razor-sharp memory, Craig could easily quote an apt phrase, whether common or obscure, at a moment's notice , highlighting one of his many areas of expertise or fascination. How strange indeed to be left with the echoes of silence his memory traces through our collective grief. Only months before his passing from the physical form, Craig and his beloved wife and partner, Alina Frank , were newly settling into their home in sunny Mexico, far from their home of many years in the lush wetlands of the Pacific Northwest. In true Craig style, he befriended many people right away, while sharing his antics with those at home through his active social media sites. Many relished his detailed narratives with videos from stunning desert, sea, mountain, and waters of the world. Craig greeted people with glee, with his trusted dog Bibi (aka Habibi Bear) in tow. In true Craig fashion, Bibi sometimes was carried and worn like a scarf, riding on the back of Craig's neck. Craig gave unceasingly from his soul for the well-being of all, leaving an immeasurable impact on the field of energy healing. His accomplishments are broad and deep, and can be found listed on his website . In his brief time with us, though he accomplished much, he left many dreams unrealized. It is up to us to find our way to extend what we loved best about Craig, and make it happen with him in mind. Beyond his vast curricula of knowledge and products and classes, I was most touched by Craig's unceasing commitment to excellence, deeply sharing authentically from his heart moments of pain and joy, his snappy sense of humor, and his infectious smile with a hearty laugh asking us to meet his mood with our own joy. Craig's life is honored with two memorial services, in his two homes, with beloved friends and family. And we will all be able to track Craig's eternal spirit when we hear the splash of sea life, see silver light dancing on the water, and feel the warmth of love in laughing eyes, no matter the species. You can learn more about Craig's life story and work in his own words through this podcast interview with me . If you wish to donate to a charity in Craig Weiner's name, his wife Alina Frank has kindly requested choosing Jovenes Adelante . Jóvenes Adelante AC is a Mexican Donataria Autorizada; JA is a 501 (c) (3) non profit. All financial contributions are tax deductible. About the Autor Lori Chortkoff Hops, PhD, DCEP is a licensed psychologist in Westlake Village, California, USA. She is certified in Comprehensive Energy Psychology and Logosynthesis. Lori is a past ACEP president and Reiki master. Learn more about Lori at www.drlorihops.com . Lori teaches online intuition classes and consultation. Check out her podcast Healing Tips from the Heart: Helpers, Healers and Guides.
By Dawn Eidelman • October 14, 2026
Widening the Circle: The Ripple Effect (Part 1 of 3) 
By Amy Frost • October 14, 2026
When people hear the words humanitarian work, they may imagine traveling across the world to respond to a war, natural disaster, or humanitarian crisis. That work matters enormously. But over many years of working with veterans, military families, first responders, community leaders, and the ACEP Humanitarian Committee, I have learned something equally important: You do not have to travel across the world to change the world. You can begin with the community right in front of you. I grew up in a military family. I was born on an Air Force base. My uncle, a Navy pilot, died in a plane crash when I was very young. Years later, my husband Tom died during Desert Storm, and the life I thought I had mapped out suddenly disappeared. At the time, I had a successful career with the Department of Defense. I had an MBA. I knew how to organize, manage, execute, and get things done. Grief didn't particularly care. Eventually, my own search for healing led me to earn a master's degree in spiritual psychology. Over time, what began as my own journey became a calling to serve veterans and their families—and, increasingly, the many people who spend their lives serving others. Build Community Before the Crisis One of the most important lessons I have learned about humanitarian work is surprisingly simple: Don't just run in to help. Build relationships first. Years ago, through ACEP's humanitarian work, Suzanne Connolly, Dr. Kristin Miller, and I became involved in developing what evolved into a Veteran-to-Veteran project in Las Vegas. We didn't simply arrive with a program and tell veterans what we thought they needed. We reached out to people already trusted within the veteran community—leaders connected with the VA, Nevada veterans' services, veteran groups, and other community organizations. We listened. We built relationships and earned their buy-in. Then we introduced tools from Thought Field Therapy and energy psychology that they could use themselves and share within the circles where they already had trust. My job was not to become the center of the system. My job was to help strengthen the system that was already there. Our final formal training took place in April 2017. Six months later, on October 1, Las Vegas experienced a devastating mass shooting.  Suddenly, the relationships we had spent years cultivating mattered in ways none of us could have anticipated. I didn't have to figure out how to reach an entire traumatized city. The network already existed. I could reach the leaders I knew, support them, and help them support their own communities. Build community before the crisis. When something happens, you won't be starting from zero. The Ripples Create More Ripples Today, I continue working with veterans and their families throughout Las Vegas. I support the Rebel Vets community at UNLV when they need me, and I facilitate a monthly gathering at the City of North Las Vegas Veterans & Community Resource Center. We deliberately call it Women's Fun Day . Why? Because if we called it Suicide Prevention, a lot of people who need connection might never walk through the door. Women veterans come, but so do spouses, adult children, caregivers, and community supporters. We talk. We laugh. We practice something simple—a breathing technique, tapping, another self-regulation tool. Sometimes I support them. Sometimes they support me. And then something wonderful happens: people take what they learn and carry it somewhere else. One veteran I've known for years is now in pastry school and mentoring younger people there. She is sharing some of the practices she has learned with the young people she encounters. Others have created simple “walk and talk” gatherings in local parks or brought self-care practices into coffee shops and community groups. This is how humanitarian work grows: the ripples create more ripples. It doesn't always require a large grant, a formal program, or an airplane ticket. Sometimes it begins with a walk. Sometimes with coffee. Sometimes with one person asking another person, How are you, really? Hope Providers Need Hope, Too There is another part of humanitarian work that I believe we need to talk about much more openly. I call it providing hope for the hope providers . The people who spend their lives helping others—clinicians, first responders, veterans, caregivers, nonprofit leaders, teachers, humanitarians—can become extraordinarily good at appearing fine. They are often the people everyone else depends upon. That can make it very difficult for them to say, I need help. I think about suicide prevention through that wider lens. Long before someone reaches the most visible point of crisis, something may be disappearing mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. Someone may continue running an organization, caring for a family, or serving a community while quietly running out of resources themselves. I know something about this personally. After my husband died, there were moments when I did not want to be here. I had to find my own way through that terrain. Years later, during the aftermath of the Las Vegas shooting, my own grief resurfaced. I had spent years learning about self-care and teaching it to other people. But I discovered another layer underneath all my competence and activity. I needed to learn how to receive care, too. If we want people to remain in the work for the long haul, we have to support the people doing the supporting. Why ACEP Matters to Me This is one reason ACEP has become so important in my life. ACEP gives me community. It gives me people with whom I can have conversations I don't get to have anywhere else. It gives me trusted resources and colleagues who understand this work from the inside. Through ACEP's Humanitarian Committee and our conferences, I have met people who became dear friends—and then became collaborators in doing good in the world. We support one another. We challenge one another. We remind one another to practice the very things we teach. And ACEP's humanitarian work has never been only about what one committee accomplishes. Its real power lies in what happens when someone gets an idea, finds a few kindred spirits, learns useful tools, and takes them home. One person mentors another. One project becomes another. One community develops its own capacity to respond. Eventually, we don't even know where all the ripples have traveled. That is a good thing. Start Where You Are So what would I say to someone who feels called to humanitarian work but doesn't know where to begin? Start where you are. Find something you genuinely care about. Find the people already doing the work and listen to them. Learn a few practices that can help people regulate stress and reconnect with themselves and one another. Make those practices simple and accessible. Find collaborators. Take care of yourself while you are doing it. And then give other people permission to take what works and make it their own. You do not have to do everything. You are not supposed to. Maybe your contribution is traveling to a community in crisis. Maybe it is supporting the people who do. Maybe it is mentoring one young practitioner, gathering veterans for coffee, teaching a breathing technique, checking on a caregiver, or simply believing in someone who has forgotten how to believe in themselves. Make it simple. Make it fun. Do what you're here to do. Then let the ripples travel. Because perhaps that is the deepest lesson humanitarian work has taught me: we are not here to rescue one another. We are here to build communities strong enough that we can care for one another. About the Author Amy Frost, MBA, MA Spiritual Psychology, is an educator, facilitator, trainer, coach, writer, and longtime humanitarian whose work has included veterans, military families, first responders, community servants, and those who support them. A longtime member of ACEP's Humanitarian Committee and ACEP's 2018 Humanitarian of the Year, Amy has spent decades developing community-based approaches to resilience, self-care, peer support, and humanitarian service. Image by qimono from Pixabay
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